Camouflage For Ugly Kids

First and foremost – welcome back Magic Mookster! Some fine, fine ranting, my friend. You know what? Unknowingly – and probably completely by accident – you’ve started a theme here at Cageboy.com – Ugly Kids. To pick up on Mookie’s fine post – Yeah, fix that kid’s face. In fact, I bet they have fixed that kid’s face. I bet that little F looks like George Friggin’ Clooney nowadays. But whenever the marketing team at “Desperately Seeking Cosmetic Surgery International” thumbs through their photo files, they know that the horribly disfigured visage of lil’ Skippy is the face that launched a thousand donations and therefore they go to the well again and again on poor lil’ Skippy The Mutant. But as I said, I have high hopes it all turned out for the good for the little split-face bastard. He’s probably got some model girlfriend now and lives on a beach in Brazil somewhere. God Speed you horrific looking SOB!!!
 
Which naturally leads us to our topic du jour!! I spent some quality time this past weekend at one of these mall kiddie portrait places. “Little Gooey Memories Remembered Forever” or whatever. After looking through their sample book and witnessing snot-nosed little s*it after another filing through the door – I finally made an unscientific observation. The more “props” they throw into the photo scene – the uglier your kid is. Of course, my own progeny are like mini-super models and require no camo of any kind. In fact, I won’t hesitate for one mili-second when Hollywood come-a-knockin’ –  John Q. Exploitation, that’s me!  But seriously, bring in a fat kid? They are hiding his pudgy ass behind a retaining wall, some fake shrubbery and a stuffed animal or two. The photo portrait joint has a million tricks. Complicated, distracting backgrounds, bushes, rock walls, chairs, mini furniture of all stripes, balls, toys, blocks and what have you. You got an ugly kid? They are going to employ the whole arsenal of visual camouflage to distract your eye and make your little fug look adorable. In fact, they should just change their marketing tagline to “Little A-hole Portraits R Us – Making Even The Fat and Ugly Kids Adorable”. While we sat in line this past weekend, one particularly portly kid got the full treatment – they dressed him up in a way-too-large leather jacket and hid him behind a mini-kid-sized-Harley. I’m telling you, the kid looked like a midget Meatloaf playing Eddie in an all-midget remake of Rocky Horror. Ay yi yi! Kind of like they do with aging actresses, I wouldn’t be surprised if they resorted to smearing the camera lens with a dab of Vaseline to cloud the sight of these mishapen, mutant kiddies. Nothin’ ruins the Christmas photo like an ugly kid! Sorry, I’m not trying to be insensitive – but come on – not all little kids are cute. You know I’m right.

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