NEW Roller Coaster – The Bitch and Sue!

The Coney Island Cyclone!

The Coney Island Cyclone!

Hey Campers!  That’s how we likes our Cageboy blogs – infrequent and random!  The surprise approach – the Beast will never expect it!

As we’ve often opined in these “pages”, the Cageboys are family men!  Rugged, Daddy types who aren’t afraid of changing a diaper or wiping a snot-covered nose!  The last in a dying breed of married men who genuinely enjoy the challenges that married life and daddy-ocity throw at us!  This is how I found myself at a major theme park for 8+ hours this week in the tow of my children and their friends.  Hey, not to complain – I’m a fan and student of the theme park arts.  I marvel at the ruthless efficiency that “keeps the line moving” and the grounds spotless. 

(Those of you who wagered 6 sentences before the bitching begins may pick up your winnings at the window). 

What the hell is wrong with people?  Your average theme park patron doesn’t look any different than you or me – but there is some kind of fantastic mental-retardation that occurs in people the minute they walk through the gates of the Giant Super-Happy Flags Village.  Personally, I think that lawyers have litigated away the ability of people to just relax and enjoy themselves in theme parks – everyone is there looking for a payday – some minor injury that, while it’s not too painful to tolerate, could result in multi-million dollar lawsuits.  Thus is the case with roller coasters – any roller coaster.  You don’t believe me?  Spend 20 minutes at the exit of any roller coaster in the country and SEE if I’m lying. 

I spent many hours this week doing just that – waiting for my children.  I heard an inordinate amount of people – grown adults who would otherwise possess a modicum of common sense – come off roller coasters grabbing their necks and complaining how rough this was – or how this or that one “beat me up”.  Hey dumbass, it’s a roller coaster – not a Swedish massage – it’s DESIGNED to toss you around.  In fact, theme parks haul in ba-jillions of dollars and have dolts like you WAITING IN LINE for the same treatment. 

Now, here’s the deal.  In my day, I loved riding the coasters – I could go all day long and I loved them all!  Steel, wooden, loops, launches, inversions, rolls, hills – WHATEVER.  The bigger, badder and meaner the better.  Guess what?  I’m older now – I’m 40ish.  My body doesn’t respond to the general havoc a roller coaster inflicts as it once did.  I rode a couple with my kids this week – and they were great.  Am I paying for it now?  You bet!  But I’m not suing – I’m not complaining.  In fact, I’ll probably go back and do it again in small doses.  I’ve heard people come off talking about how this or that one “has really deteriorated and gotten rough from when I was a kid”.  No it hasn’t.  It’s the same as it ever was.  If anything, it’s probably gotten better over the years.  It’s you and your broke-dick body that’s deteriorated.  You can’t take it, Cindy – go ride the carousel and get yerself an ice cream, pussy!

Gosh, this blog has really gotten outta hand here.  I must admit though, I was pretty steamed when I heard all this.  I know how hard these theme park people work.  They bust their butts everyday to make sure you are your family have a fun and first-of-all, safe time at their park – and oh by the way, get to do it in a spotlessly clean and friendly environment.  Is it absolutely, 100% fool-proof?  No.  Strip away all the colors and fancy lights – at the end of the day – these roller coasters and tilt-a-whirls and all are big, grisly machines that have gears that grind, levers that pull, cables that wind and so forth.  YES, your favorite cartoon characters have come to life and are dancing around the magic fountains in the park – but this is NOT a fantasy-land – stick your hand in the middle of all that mechanical mess and it WILL get mangled – SO DON’T DO IT!  Put your ass where the painted-on outline of your ass is and keep it there until the ride has come to a complete stop!  What can we do besides draw you exact pictures of what you are to do and tell you a million times not to touch that?  Ya know, if you wanted to, when you’re flying in a plane, you COULD stand up and go open the door at 30,000 feet – but you shouldn’t BECAUSE YOU’LL GET HURT OR KILLED, STUPID!

In several sates, there is now something called the “Rider Responsibility Act” that’s an actual law that says you must comply with the posted riding instructions for each ride.  And to be sure, at the entrance of every last ride in any theme park, you’ll see a sign that warns you if you have back problems or high-blood pressure or whatever, you should not ride.  And then there is a quite lengthy and ridiculous run-down of exactly how to sit down and keep your belt-fastened.  Because apparently, if you don’t TELL someone that it’s a bad idea to wriggle out of the restraints and turn around backwards to wave at their friends, it’s on you when they get their head lopped off.  Back in the day, I believe my father referred to this as the dumbass, don’t act a fool, common-friggin-sense law of natural selection and it wasn’t on any books anywhere – but we understood what it meant anyway.

So what have we learned here today?
1. Don’t act a fool.
2.  Common-sense should NOT have to be made into a law.
3. Don’t act a fool.
4. Roller coasters are made to toss you around and if you feel the need to complain about how that makes you feel, you probably shouldn’t be riding them.
5. Don’t act a fool.
6. My dad was right all along.

With that…I HIGHLY suggest you get your share of roller coastering this summer.  Go out and scream your head off like a 12-year-old girl until your voice is hoarse before lawyers sue us into a box where we have to jump around in a circle!  But PLEASE – read the signs – don’t go in water over your head and for the love of God and all that is holy – don’t put your lips on that!


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