I’m Thinkin’ DAMN!

It’s a hectic time of year.  Families on the go do things they wouldn’t normally do.  In the case of Cageboy #1 and family this arbys1past weekend – that unusual unordinary occurrence took the form of eating at a fast food joint.  Don’t get me wrong – it happens occasionally.  Normally it would be a quick roll by and a kid’s meal through the drive through window if we were stretched on time.  And for myself, I’ve already professed my undying love for the Subway – still fast and all the sammichy goodness you could ever want.  But this Saturday we found ourselves enroute from one holiday activity to the other and knowing we didn’t want to arrive at our afternoon holiday party completely famished – we opted for the fast food that first presented itself along our road.  Arby’s.  Although famished, I’d like to think that I could still be somewhat objective regarding the food.  In a word or two – TOTALLY AWESOME WITH A SIDE OF SUPER FANTABULOUS AND ASS KICKING DIPPING SAUCE!!!  Man, was it ever good.

First off – I had totally sold my kids on the idea of having cheeseburgers.  What meaty fast food joint doesn’t have a burger of some sort?  Well, Arby’s does not.  Maybe they did at one point?  As I say, I am not a frequent customer.  It seems as if Arby’s has chosen to corner the Chicken/Roast Beef segment of the fast food universe.  With the Roy Rogers folks out of the way for the most part, that gives Arby’s a nice segment of the fast food public to go after. 

img_beefandchedKids had popcorn chicken while ma-lady and I ordered a couple of their signature roast beef and cheddar sandwiches.  Now, they do offer said roast beef with bacon and that’s a perfectly marvelous idea because – as you know – there is no food stuff that cannot be improved by wrapping with bacon, topping with bacon in or some other way adding bacon to.  However, we were already a little uneasy with the notion of eating fast food and didn’t want to push it.   It seems like fries are unavoidable in a fast food setting (except, of course, for my beloved Subway).  But Arby’s is smart.  They don’t try to compete or clone the McD fries.  Can’t be done, McD is the fry king and just don’t go there.  Instead Arby’s stands apart – they go for the Curly fry and they shake on a very tasty, somewhat spicy flavoring.  Pretty darn tasty.  I REALLY didn’t need to become aware of just how tasty the Arby’s is.  The other thing I like at the Arby’s is the variety of condiments – much more creative and WAY tastier than your basic Ketchup/Mustard you get at most places.  Arby’s offers their standard issue barbecue sauce – which is just fine.  A honey mustard – which is quite good.  The unfortunately named “Horsey “Sauce” – the horseradish concoction that is a must for roast beef.  And then a spicy “three pepper” sauce that is somewhere between a barbecue sauce and a hot sauce.  Not quite hot enough to be a full on hot sauce and little tangier than you want a barbecue sauce to be. 

Not being a frequent fast food eater – we ate cautiously.  It’s kind of like a longtime vegetarian suddenly eating a steak – your body doesn’t know how to handle it and bad lower GI things can happen to you.  I’m happy to report that NONE of those things occurred and we enjoyed our first Arby’s experience in many moons.

clickclickBut that’s why I think those BK Whopper Virgin commercials are a bad thing.  First off – I’m not sure I totally believe the credentials of the “documentary crews” in the commercial.  But suspend disbelief for a moment and let’s just say that while they are certainly on the King’s dime, let’s just say for the sake of argument that the rest of the “Whopper Virgins” they are plucking from remote villages around the world are not actors named Steve from the upper West Side who is appearing in the BK commercial as a follow-up to playing “The Sofa King” on the local cable ads.  Let’s just pretend we totally believe the premise – they’re out scouring the world for remote people’s who have never eaten a BK Whopper – or a fast food hamburger of any kind for that matter.  Yep, these poor saps are hunting and gathering berries and crickets and everything leafy and green this side of the poison sumac.  They roast it down over open fires out in the hills of Borneo or whatever and wash it down with a quart of rainwater.  Now, here comes the white man with his camera crew and his BK Whopper and a gallon of Pepsi.  Eat up, there Click Click Oh-wa-poo.  So, Click Click starts chowing on the Whopper and it tastes pretty darn good.  He wolfs that bad down and the camera crew records a lot of satisfied and happy grunting and clicking.  Thanks very much…hand shakes all around – maybe the camera crew drops some silly BK gear on the natives and they roll.  Cut to about 15 minutes later when the grease and the processed cheese and fatty meat and glops of mayonnaise hit ol’ Click Click in the gut.  An internal digestive track that is unfamiliar with anything that didn’t come off the jungle floor.  Get your cameras back and film what’s gonna happen NEXT.  I’d bet THAT”S not footage the BK people are going to be too hip to throw on TV.

So, I guess this amounts to a Cageboy endorsement of Arby’s – but don’t stray too far away from the standard roast beef sammich.


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The Return Of The Cageboy

Is there anybody out there in blogland?  The Cageboys have been SERIOUSLY derelict in our blogging duties.  Been doing some blogging for my real job – which I won’t bore you with – but I only have but so many words swirling around in my evil head. 

Frankly, the whole political season is taking it’s toll on my normally jovial demeanor.  We don’t do political here at Cageboy.  And no, I won’t endorse ANY candidate.  Unlike my church that flat out came right out and said that if I don’t vote for the candidate THEY endorse – it’s gonna be between me and the man upstairs.  No pressure though – free will and all that.  Whatever.  Dem, GOP, red, blue – take it outside.  I’m SO sick of the endless accusations and mudslinging on BOTH sides.  One guy will win and one guy will lose and frankly, it doesn’t really all that much matter WHO it is.  When you come right down to it – politics is a process.  The pres-o-dent doesn’t really have the power to change laws  – checks and balances and so forth.  Certainly, whoever is in the big chair has influence – but a whole slew of people need to agree before laws get made or changed.  And by the time a person ascends the ladder to be in a position to be voted into the highest political office in the land – they are OWNED by somebody.  Everybody is somebodies bitch because money makes the world go ’round.  If I had a couple of million bucks laying around, I’d buy me some politicians just to prove my point.

Vote Walken.  He needs more cowbell….

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Camouflage For Ugly Kids

First and foremost – welcome back Magic Mookster! Some fine, fine ranting, my friend. You know what? Unknowingly – and probably completely by accident – you’ve started a theme here at Cageboy.com – Ugly Kids. To pick up on Mookie’s fine post – Yeah, fix that kid’s face. In fact, I bet they have fixed that kid’s face. I bet that little F looks like George Friggin’ Clooney nowadays. But whenever the marketing team at “Desperately Seeking Cosmetic Surgery International” thumbs through their photo files, they know that the horribly disfigured visage of lil’ Skippy is the face that launched a thousand donations and therefore they go to the well again and again on poor lil’ Skippy The Mutant. But as I said, I have high hopes it all turned out for the good for the little split-face bastard. He’s probably got some model girlfriend now and lives on a beach in Brazil somewhere. God Speed you horrific looking SOB!!!
Which naturally leads us to our topic du jour!! I spent some quality time this past weekend at one of these mall kiddie portrait places. “Little Gooey Memories Remembered Forever” or whatever. After looking through their sample book and witnessing snot-nosed little s*it after another filing through the door – I finally made an unscientific observation. The more “props” they throw into the photo scene – the uglier your kid is. Of course, my own progeny are like mini-super models and require no camo of any kind. In fact, I won’t hesitate for one mili-second when Hollywood come-a-knockin’ –  John Q. Exploitation, that’s me!  But seriously, bring in a fat kid? They are hiding his pudgy ass behind a retaining wall, some fake shrubbery and a stuffed animal or two. The photo portrait joint has a million tricks. Complicated, distracting backgrounds, bushes, rock walls, chairs, mini furniture of all stripes, balls, toys, blocks and what have you. You got an ugly kid? They are going to employ the whole arsenal of visual camouflage to distract your eye and make your little fug look adorable. In fact, they should just change their marketing tagline to “Little A-hole Portraits R Us – Making Even The Fat and Ugly Kids Adorable”. While we sat in line this past weekend, one particularly portly kid got the full treatment – they dressed him up in a way-too-large leather jacket and hid him behind a mini-kid-sized-Harley. I’m telling you, the kid looked like a midget Meatloaf playing Eddie in an all-midget remake of Rocky Horror. Ay yi yi! Kind of like they do with aging actresses, I wouldn’t be surprised if they resorted to smearing the camera lens with a dab of Vaseline to cloud the sight of these mishapen, mutant kiddies. Nothin’ ruins the Christmas photo like an ugly kid! Sorry, I’m not trying to be insensitive – but come on – not all little kids are cute. You know I’m right.

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Will Someone PLEASE Fix This Kid’s Face?!

Has anyone else out there been bombarded with the online ads featuring the following unfortunate child:

Will someone please fix this kids face already?  I mean I hate to be all problematic and unfeeling and all, but this kid’s face has been ooging me out for months now.  Everywhere I go — Yahoo, Drudge Report, Boston.com — I’m greeted by this kid’s mug.  OKAY — I GET IT — there’s kids out there that need help, and we need to be more caring, and we need to give of our plenty to remedy their lack — but I’ve given, and I gave again at the office, yet this kid is still staring at me as I try to check ball scores.  Just sew the kid’s face up already.  See, I can’t do it — I’m here, and I don’t know how to fix the kid even if I were there . . . but you, the person posting this picture, you had the kid in your clutches at one point, and I’m hoping to the great Is above that right after you took the kid’s picture you had the common sense to take the kid to a doctor to fix that hole in his head.  How’s the poor kid eating soup?

So, again, I don’t want to be unfeeling or anything — best wishes to the kid, and I’ll contribute again next paycheck, and Kumbaya, and just say no, and all the other PC cliches and catch-phrases — but let me just conclude with another plea:  WILL SOMEONE PLEASE FIX THIS KID’S FACE?!

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My One Subway Critique

Mookie here; not dead, just way too busy — what with work, and vacation, and work, and so on and so forth. Don’t have much time, and I certainly do not want to detract from the hilarious musings spewing forth from my Hetero Life Partner Skippy, but I did want to chime in with a brief crumb that has wedged its way between my back molars . . . and it is all related to our favor-ite good-food-served-quickly restaurant, Subway!

Okay, so what is it with the Subway Sandwich Technicians that they cannot, for the life of them, cut a foot long sandwich in half ALL THE WAY THROUGH?!

I only have my own experiences to go by, but in the Umpty-Thousand times I have gone to Ye Olde Subway and ordered my Footlong Sandwich Du Jour, when I have settled in, unwrapped, and gone to begin upon a half, the sandwich has NEVER (and I repeat NEV-ER) been cut all the way through — there is always a little piece of the bread on the bottom, by the “hinge” (that’s Mookie-Speak for the portion of the sub-bun attaching the top and bottom halves), that is still attached . . . let’s call it the “Lepticus”. The result of a Lepticus is that, to one extent or another, the Sub Eater (that’s me) has a difficult time separating the two halfs of the Sub resulting, in the mildest Lepticus instance, in a slight delay to your Sub enjoyment as you rip the Lepticus, to, in the most severe Lepticus instance, a wholesale dismantling of the sandwich as you try and rip through a particularly tenacious Lepticus which tears the Sub not at the Lepticus but half-way down one side or another of the Sub thereby spilling the delicious goodness inside and turning your sublime Sub into nothing better than an oblong open-faced sandwich.

This just will not do.

So, perhaps this is just me (if it has happened to others, please leave a comment and let me know — perhaps I will start a petition), but to the good gods of Subway, to the Subway Sandwich Technicians and SST Trainers, to the officers, directors and shareholders of Doctors Associates, Inc., and its network of franchisees worldwide — PLEASE, slice true, and slice well, and rid the world of the nefarious Lepticus! We, the Sub Eaters of the world, thank you.

These are the problems I face on a daily basis; in thy mercy; Amen.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

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A Cageboy First

We have a lot of fun here at Ye Old Cageboy.com.  We’ve shared a lot of goofy stuff and tried to drop a few bits of knowledge along the way as we will continue to do!  But here’s a Cageboy first – a prediction – a premonition, if you will.  I haven’t exactly lit up on fire with Olympic fever just yet – but I have noticed that every time I hear “Olympics” this time around I’m hearing stories about the Chinese government clamping down on something or the bad pollution or China sweeping something or other under the rug while guests are in.  All kinds of controversy and bad Chinese mojo – which, if you’ve sampled it before, is the worst kind of mojo you can get.  Anyway – call it a vibe – a feeling.  We don’t know what exactly – but our Cageboy Defcon radar is twitching.  It’s all red and angry.  Cageboy #1 has a sinking feeling that something bad is gonna happen in China.  Who knows, maybe Lopez Lomong – the U.S. flag bearer for the opening ceremony’s Parade of Nations – will get hold of a bad spring roll and barf all over one of the athletes from the Albanian team.  Sure, it’s an international faux pas – and pretty embarrassing to boot all over another athlete in front of millions of people – Albanian or otherwise.  But really, on the grand scale – not that big of a deal.  Our Cageboy hackles wouldn’t  be so irritated and itchy for something small like that.  Let’s just be careful out there!

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The King of the Slip-N-Slide

Thank you Elvis Slip-N-Slide guy!  This is EXACTLY the type of random weirdness we highly encourage around Cageboy World Headquarters.


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