The Prophet Billy Mays

We here at Cageboy.com enjoy the good life. We relish the small victories and the unusual finds. And we like to pass those nuggets of life’s goodness onto our friends, families and now, random blog readers. The pic at the start of this article is of one Billy Mays. Now, you’re probably saying to yourself “That’s the loud guy from TV – what a tool! I hate that guy!”.  And you may be right. We’re not endorsing Mr. William Mays’ personality, likability or average Q rating. No, Billy Mays is the carnie/huckster/flim-flam artist/pitchman of such late night infomercial products as Hercules Hook wall hangers, Orange Glo cleaner, Liquid Diamond car waxing product, The Bedazzler, Kaboom! cleaner, OxiClean, Samurai Shark knife sharpener, Ding King automotive dent remover – the list goes on and on. Fine products all, I’m sure. But I, your faithful Cageboy, was particularly hooked in by a commercial starring Billy Mays pitching for something called “Mighty Putty”. Being the cynical bastard that I am, I normally would have dismissed it as one more of Mr. Mays’ many scams. However, in the commercial, he uses the Heavenly Goo for a nagging project that I myself was tasked with.  Repairing the molding on my car.

I don’t know how it happened – but the molding around my rear car door/window had broken off.  Examining the break I noticed that the little mini brackets that hold it in place were made of brittle – or at least thin – hard, plastic and they had snapped in two or three pieces and thus, the molding fell off. Short of trekking all the way to the German factory so Hans and Fritz could fashion some new, thin, brittle mini-clips, I didn’t know how the heck I was going to fix this particular problem. And I just couldn’t see shelling out hundreds of dollars for the dealer to make my little scooter of a car whole again.  So, I was looking for what every red-blooded American in over their head in automobile debt was looking for… a half-ass , inexpensive quick fix.  Enter Billy Mays – the King of Half-Ass, Inexpensive Quick Fixes and Enhancements!  I didn’t have to call any 800 numbers, I didn’t send away box tops, I didn’t even order it through the internet. My local Target store has these great little end-cap displays with clever signage advertising “AS SEEN ON TV”.  And there it was.

I bought myself a three pack of “Mighty Putty” and hid it under a bag of dog food on my way to the register to hide my shame.  Once in my garage, I broke it out and tried a dab of it as I had seen Billy Mays do on my brittle, broken, car molding.  Friends, as sure as I’m sitting here typing this – the heavens opened and the angels sang and God declared in a booming voice from above that it was good.  I’ll be damned if it didn’t adhere that molding back onto my car good as new!  To quote the Larry Sanders show, that “Mighty Putty” does the work of ten men and a boy! (One small boy).

When you open the tube of Ye Olde Mighty Putty you are bound to be skeptical. It looks kind of like a grayish center tube of play-doh surrounded by a thin bright green outer shell.  The instruction say to wear protective gloves and “work” the putty for about two minutes to “activate” it.  There must be some kind of chemical voodoo going on – because the stuff stinks.  But then, you have yourself a grey-greenish lump of pliable goo roughly the consistency of old silly putty that’s been left out of it’s protective egg container.  Then, you work it to seal or bind whatever the project at hand might be – let it sit for 24-hours and wham-o!  Works like a charm.  Since my triumphant success with the car molding, I’ve gone through three tubes of this gunk sealing up bathroom faucets, leaky hose bibs – you name it. The prophet Billy Mays has delivered us the greatest all-purpose fix-it gadget since duct tape. God bless you Billy Mays!

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