Cageboy Movie Review

Back in my post on Friday, I implored you, the reading public to trust the Cageboy when it comes to all things dealing with gastronomic pleasures. And me and the Mook, we’re not going to drop knowledge on some haute-cuisine or new 4-star restaurant. Nah, we’re regular guys. Trust me, if we sample some particular new delicacy at the Taco Bell – or scope out a new hot sauce – THAT’s the culinary tip you’re going to get here. More on that later.

The other topic near and dear to the Cageboy is movies. Sure, we’ll give you our two cents on the latest flix to hit the theater – but of even greater value – the Cageboy has a keenly developed sense for scoping out oft-discarded and ignored video gems. Likewise, we don’t want you to be duped by some slick marketing into spending your hard earned cash on some piece of trash. We’ll give you the straight-up skinny and warn you to steer clear of the crapola that’s floating around out there. With that promise – I hereby sound the Cageboy Crap Detector and take us to Defcon 4 for the piece of garbage that fouled my DVD this weekend.

I must say that NetFlix is great as far as it being super convenient. The downside of the Netflix is it has SERIOUSLY lowered the bar for what I’m willing to look at. Case in point, this weekend, I suffered through a piece of cinema that looked GREAT on paper. Great cast – promising plot line. It was called “3 Days To Vegas”. Peter Faulk, Mario Cantone, Taylor Negron, George Segal, Bill Cobs, for some reason the rapper Coolio and one of my favorite actors of all time, the incomparable Rip Torn. The plot is simple – old guys road trip to Vegas. Peter Faulk’s daughter is marrying some French schmuck and they have to get there to witness it/stop it. Wacky hi-jinx ensues.

There’s also a bit of a sub-plot going on. Taylor Negron is introduced as the driver of the party bus that will take the AARP rejects to Vegas. In a super stretch of believability, he’s the GAY bus driver. On their first stop in South Beach, Miami – Taylor “hooks up” with Mario Cantone who plays – suspend your disbelief – another gay guy. Well, the old farts aren’t having any of their shenanigans. Let’s just say Peter Faulk goes to the front of the bus early the first morning and finds Cantone helping Negron find the bus gear shift. So, the old guys ditch the queens and take off on their own. Cantone and Negron then go on a gay crime spree, knocking off coffee shops and liquor stores all over the south whilst prancing around like Charles Nelson Riley and Paul Lynde on a holiday. Hopefully this review will convince you to stay away from this gem – and I won’t be giving away anything major to tell that they go out Thelma and Louise stylie.

The movie is shockingly bad. Forget about Negron and Cantone. I like these two – but the subplot is just entirely unnecessary – it adds absolutely nothing. I’d like to give Rip Torn more credit – because I have always enjoyed his acting. And GOD, I hope his mannerisms and speech and all was him doing a character. Because if he wasn’t – I’m afraid Mr. Torn is not long for this world. Remember the tape of him all drunk when he got arrested for DUI and he’s slurring and screaming at the Police? He’s like that through this whole movie. His comedic timing is all for sh*t – just bad. Come to think of it – he does drink quite a bit in the movie and his character IS sort of a boozy old guy. Here I am making excuses for the man. Whatever the case – I hated him in this. I just felt bad for everyone involved in this suckfest. Well, maybe not Coolio – he’s got no business being in a movie. And the daughter and frenchy are essentially nobodies. But Peter Faulk, Bill Cobb, Torn and George Segal. Come on! The script could not have sucked more. If these guys had done it improv it would have probably come out better. Netflix classifies this abortion as “Romantic Comedy” – the Cageboy classification is more like “Not funny, not romantic piece of sh*t”. Stay thee away from “3 Days To vegas”. More like 120 minutes to an ice cream headache! Blech!

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