The Electric Interweave Is Broken – Everybody Panic!

You don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone, baby!  I live in an area where there is a lot of new home construction.  Despite the current state of the real estate market, builders in my area are speculating on a huge up-swing and continue to build and develop at a break-neck pace.  Due to all this building, we suffer through a number of minor inconveniences – I’ve picked up several nails in my tires from driving through construction areas – I’m constantly behind dump trucks and building supply trucks on the local roads – it all comes with the territory.  But the past couple of days I’ve suffered a loss as a result of careless builders that is proving to be a real challenge – the loss of internet service.  Somewhere down the line, Verizon reports that internet cables got accidentally sliced at a building site.  No big deal – it’s not like I’m addicted to the internet, right?  Well, in all fairness, “addicted” is a loaded word that carries a lot of negative connotation with it.  Let’s just say I like the internet real bad and have come to rely on it for a lot of THINGS that get me through my day. 

 

A Nose For News!  All the news you need is available online where I read it – along with smug, snarky commentary to boot.  Plus, the internet doesn’t leave ink smudges on your fingers.  If it does in your case – you’re doing it wrong.

 

What Do You Know?  During this brief outage I came to the realization that I actually know very few facts and figures.  Why bother cramming all that stuff into your brain when you can access it all at the touch of a button?  Need to know the surface area of the average apple?  Bam – internet.  The middle name of a dead president?  Internet.  Key ingredients in a mojito?  Online guide.  The complete history of the band Pink Floyd and the current whereabouts of original frontman, Syd Barret?  Internet fan site.  BTW, the answer to that one is “under the ground”.  Syd’s taking a dirt nap as of about a year ago.  Poor Syd.  There is just a lot of handy dandy reference “stuff” that I look up online all the time without really thinking about it.  While it’s been down, I just sit at the desk drooling and playing with the pencils.

 

When? The internet is a great resource to find out when stuff happens.  Movie times, baseball batting practice, curtain calls, restaurant hours, girl scout meetings – anything – it’s all online somewhere!  To what extent the internet listing of this information is up-to-date and accurate is a bit of a crap-shoot – but it is certainly a nice jumping off point!

 

Buy! Buy! Buy!  You can buy anything online – and I do.  There’s a reason why places like Blockbuster and Tower Records are all going out of business.  Were it not for the social aspects of drinking overpriced, frothy coffee drinks in a quiet room full of people – bookstores would probably get mowed under by the digital retail metropolis of the internet as well.  I can do all my shopping from the comfort of my laptop whilst eating my Frankenberry in my jammies at my cozy breakfast nook.  Save the gas money – save the interaction with snooty retail humps – save standing in line.  Plus, 9 times out of 10, what I want will be in-stock online or easily and automatically back ordered for my convenience.  Bonus – without the burden of renting out retail space, I’m likely to get a better deal on my items if I buy them online – sometimes they’ll even throw in free shipping!  Movie tickets, restaurant reservations, theme park passes – internet internet internet.  Important caveat – all bets are off at Christmas-time.  For several years, I thought I was the bee’s knees for doing all my Christmas shopping online.  And for a number of years, this worked perfectly.  I’d shop on Thanksgiving morning and two weeks later boxes would start showing up at my door.  That was all fine and dandy until the year that those two weeks went by and I received NOTHING on my doorstep.  I logged in “to see what was the matter.  And what to my wondering eyes did appear” an e-mail telling me that all online orders were backed up due to a glitch in the e-tail system and deliveries of merchandise ordered would be delayed until 12/29.  Dagger!!!  I’m a week and a half from the big day and I find myself gift-less.  Off to the mall to save Christmas.  Bitter!

 

Did You See That?.  Got a hankering to see a guy face-plant off a set of steps on a skateboard?  How about a Japanese commercial featuring a big name Hollywood star hawking adult diapers?  How about a high speed police chase ending in a horrific accident?  Celebrity nip-slip or crotch shot?  Gotcha covered, chief.  Step right up to your friendly, neighborhood internet!  Whatever it is you want to see – I’ll lay dollars to donuts that it’s likely out there in internetland awaiting your request to view.  Go ahead try it – type the weirdest, most random phrase you can muster into the Google search and see what you come up with.  That’s one crazy internet!

 

You’ve got mail!  Who don’t like the e-mail?  Why speak to someone face to face or even call them on the phone when you can establish a nice paper trail to nail them with at a later date?  Yessir – e-mail is great!

 

So – the fact that you’re reading this should indicate that the internet has been repaired where I’m at and I was able to post.  It would appear I survived the ordeal and can finally catch up on the whereabouts of Lindsay Lohan and make some brilliant points about tonight’s American Idol finale to the community of commenteers on the message board.  God bless the internet!

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