The Mayo Debates

I got no time for mayonnaise.

Back in high school, I worked for an Italian deli – a REAL Italian deli. The kind of a joint that proudly displays a framed photo of the Pope BENEATH a framed photo of Mr. Francis Albert Sinatra. Yessir, things are black and white in a REAL Italian deli. Coming from a mixed and mysterious national heritage myself, I adopted many of these Italian idiosyncrasies as my own. Like our love of the Pope and Sinatra, we Italians know one thing with absolute certainty – mayonnaise has NO business near salami, proscuitto or any other Italian premium lunch meat. Maybe you could get away with a swipe on a turkey or ham sub – but we were instructed at the Italian Deli to check and double check if patrons REALLY wanted the mayo they ordered with their Italian cold-cut subs. In a completely unspoken way, we were encouraged to suggest in the strongest possible terms that the cheap mayo would destroy the flavor of the quality meats. This mayo issue is serious business.

So, having dropped off the NutriSystem bus, I found myself in need of a quickie dinner solution last night. As mentioned previously, I’m all about a nice Subway sandwich. All of a sudden, Jared and his 6-inch turkey with no cheese is sounding like a right tasty alternative. Yes – Subway comes through yet again.

People don’t know how to order at the Subway. If you waltz up to the Subway counter and tell the guy you want a ham sandwich – you give yourself away right off the bat. And I feel for these Subway guys – ’cause they get rubes like this all day long, I’m sure. By the time you’ve declared your desire for a ham sammich – you’ve already skipped over, like 4 basic pieces of information your Subway guy needs to know to get your meal rollin’ Size, type of bread, toasted or not, cheese on that – just watch and learn. I roll up and it’s “Six inch wheat with turkey, no cheese, untoasted”. How hard is that? Then Subway guy 1 hands you off to Subway guy 2 who puts all the silly toppings on. And God forbid these hun-yacks in line need to order more than one sandwich – no, THAT one gets the onions, the FIRST one has the swiss cheese. What a mess. But last night, I witnessed the most horrifying sandwich debacle I have ever seen in all my days. Number one, the lady in front of me was trying to hold down a spirited discussion on her cell phone whilst ordering her three subs. She was not intelligent enough to pull off either task on it’s on – much less multi-task. So, she finally tells the genius on the other end of the phone that she needs to go and sets off to order her sammiches. Every possible, confusing, twisted, neglected, banged up Subway ordering issue comes forth in a powerplay of luncheon meat confusion. I have to hand it to Subway guy – he REALLY kept himself together and didn’t bat an eye as Anna Nicole Bacon Sandwich fumbled and bumbled through her jumbled order. At this point, I’m already rolling my eyes and feeling a migraine coming on and then she does the unspeakable. She orders up a foot-long, white bread, bacon with shredded cheddar toasted. In and of itself that’s not such a sin. I’ll forgive the mile and a half of gummy white bread. And bacon is a fine choice. I’ve never considered this option at the Subway. I’ve always viewed the bacon as more of a topping than a main meat choice. But then the horrifying, gag-inducing part. After toasting, she instructs Mr. Subway to add mayo. And I’m not talking about a little schmear of mayo – she keeps goading him “more, more, more” until this thing has a good half an inch of mayo over the whole thing. You can’t even see the bacon for the mayo. Then of course – no lettuce, no onion – no nothing. Just a few strips of bacon doused in about a quart of mayo. Mama Mia! I felt the silent urgings of the Italian deli owner to reach across the counter and slap the offensive sub to the ground whilst shaking this woman like a British nanny until she came to her senses. I don’t want to belabor the point – and this wasn’t meant to become the Subway blog. Perhaps if I keep blogging about Subway they’ll fork over free Subway for life to keep me in their good graces. Not a chance that happens. I’ll just have to keep scraping together my three dollars and fifty-nine cents for my daily dose!



Filed under Skippy's Thoughts

2 responses to “The Mayo Debates

  1. Blah Blah

    Dude, it is bad enough that tools like you are in line at the subway criticizing my lack of ordering skills (because you know what! here’s what – I’m not used to going out to eat only to order systemetic junk food, processed, over-chemically altered food “products” unless it is a true emergency, like screaming hungry monsters – also known as “children” need to be fed after a hard day of work/school/soccer practice/ballet.)
    I always hold up these lines… Now I’ll make sure that I do something to piss off all the rightous, sanctimonious pros in line. And add a schmear of mayo to boot. 🙂

  2. cageboy

    Hey Hey Hey – don’t get all uppity on me lady! Get your sh** together! Throw some McNuggets at those rugrats and be done with it. And how DARE you storm onto the blog and sully the great name of Subway. Over-chemically altered food products my eye! Sure that turkey “loaf” is a little sketchy in it’s origins – but it’s not like you’re in there for fries and onion rings. It’s lettuce and tomatoes for Flip’s sake! Is it too much to ask that you bring your three sandwich order to a close in under an hour? I think not. That is all. Good day to you madam….I SAID Good day!

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