Bread, Man

It’s Monday morning and I can’t believe I’m gonna do it – but I’m pulling out the red conspiracy card already this week.
An alarming trend hit me like a ton of bricks as I ordered my delicious Subway foot-long turkey and cheese on wheat this past weekend. First off – a big, giant kudos gift basket full of love for the Subway. Ever since I swore off the Taco Bell, it’s my “go to” convenience food of choice and it could NOT be improved upon. You cannot beat the store-baked bread-goodness and fresh toppings.  Finished off with the spicy relish – heaven on a bun. And therein lies the topic of this mornings post…..
Bread.
As I stand there ready to deliver my condiment requirements for my awesome Subway sub, my Subway sandwich artist asks me the question that I’ve so often heard and disregarded that – for whatever reason – struck fear in my heart this weekend….
“Would you like that as a wrap?”
Hell no I don’t want a wrap!! It occurs to me that there aren’t many sandwich establishments that don’t now offer this bastardization of the good ol’ American sammich. You can get snack-wraps at KFC, McDs, Wendy’s – almost anywhere. Well, I speak for Americas bakers when I say BOYCOTT THE WRAP!!! The wrap is a half-ass, flat alternative to the roll, sliced bread and the beloved loaf. My xenophobic buddy says this proves that our Mexican friends from the south are taking over the country. I say it goes much deeper than that.  For several years now the evils of bread have been pointed out by Dr Atkins and the carb-counting crazies in the media.  They tout flat-bread, tortillas and even pitas as the calorie and carb conscious superior alternative. Like putting a deep-fried piece of Kentucky FRIED Chicken in a slim little tortilla is going to save your 300-pound ass a couple of calories. Don’t try to hide behind your cute little branded initials – You sell FRIED chicken, KFC! The Colonel even laughs at your cartoony, marketing shortcut to dupe the dim-witted public. You have giant vats of calorie-laden grease and oil in which you deep fry the products you sell. Puh-lease. It’s a bit akin to the people that sue tobacco companies. You smoke cigarettes for 40 years and are dumbfounded when you get lung cancer – how could this have happened? DUH! I actually know someone who smoked like a chimney for more than 3/4 of his life and blamed his cancer on the military in Vietnam and that Agent Orange crap.  Or what about the big-fat yentas that eat Krispy Kreme’s EVERY morning of their life and can’t figure out why they have big fat asses and cholesterol issues?  Must be glandular!! Yeah, that’s it – when you’re shoveling gobs of fried dough covered in sugar into your big yapper day after day, it’s effecting your glands!! Dummies.

Maybe this is becoming a central theme of the Cageboy blog – but how stupid do you think I am? I think it was the Wendy’s wrap that pushed me over the top. That little girl in the office prancing around with her Wendy’s snack-wrap was just WAY to perky.  So this week, do something for your American bakers – order your club, sub, hoagie, grinder, open-face, po’ boy or sammich of your choosing on good, old-fashioned bread!  Proudly consume the carbs and God Bless America!

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1 Comment

Filed under Skippy's Thoughts

One response to “Bread, Man

  1. Oh, I loves me my bread too. Fluffy bread = fluffy Mookie, but I still loves it.

    I’ve actually come to love the ol’ Subway too. Foot long Turkey and Ham on Roasted Garlic; provolone cheese; lettuce, tomato, extra pickles, black olives, cucumbers, black pepper, lite mayo, little yellow mustard. They call it the “Mooki-nator”; well, one guy call it that — I think they other guy said it was the “Wussy Loaf”; and a third said, “FI-fotty-won–you have penny?”

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