(WARNING – today’s post is definitely PG-13. I mean, I’m not blowing up Santa Claus or anything like that, but I do intend to lace into a much-loved Disney “character”. Frankly, I’m looking forward to the call from Robert Iger’s people. I’ll get all first-amendment indignent. Should make for a pretty boss Friday afternoon. N Joy and God Bless).
Can we get real here for a minute? We’re all adults. I’m really fighting the urge to flat-out start lobbing grenades into the heavily fortified Cyrus compound which I’m sure is just the nicest trailer park this side of Tallahassee. Were I really whipped into a foam I’d just put it out there – Miley Cyrus is a whore. There, I’ve said it. Ya know, one racy underwear photo shows up on the internet and whoops “giggle giggle” – cute little underage Hannah Montana is just sowing her adolescent oats. Then some risque, soft-core lesbian shots come out – “those were totally taken out of context giggle giggle chortle chortle”. Then the green bra-flashing incident and the Hannah pub-machine starts the spin – that’s a look-alike – totally not Miley. Then the Vanity Fair, topless Dawn of the Dead come rape scene photos break. There is not enough Disney back-peddling in the world that can reverse what is readily apparent to the rest of the world. This girl is a hard-lemonade away from doing one of the Jonas Brothers on YouTube! Ummmm, wow – that was a little much, eh?
Here’s the thing – I have nothing against Miley or Disney even. I’ll admit I do have a bit of the red ass over the success of that no-talent mullet monkey, Billy Ray Cyrus. But who can blame him? If my kid shows any manner of talent for anything – I’m sure as HELL going to exploit it. P-A-Y-D-A-Y! No, my beef with the whole situation is with the Hannah/Miley camp in general. How stupid do you think I am, Hannah Montana? It’s underage girls gone wild. That girl is dying to be naked. I say Amen. Get Hefner on the phone and set up the photo shoot for Wednesday, November 3, 2010 – that’s Miley’s 18th birthday dontchaknow – I looked it up on the internet. Wouldn’t surprise me a bit if Miley Incorporated wasn’t the one cranking out this amateur celebrity kiddie-porn to drum up interest. Look at all the hub-bub generated over the Olsen twins. Let’s put on our brutal honesty caps for just a moment – these are two weird-looking fugs and yet their coming of age quickly became the national fantasy-du jour for the would-be pedophile world. Whatupwiththat? And where do YOU line up on the Olsens? Me, I’ll go for that Skeletor anorexic one that looks like a duck. What can I say, I like my women like I like my bourbon – 20 years old and mixed up with Coke. They both look like a couple of Jim Henson Muppet experiments that went horribly wrong.
But I digress. The whole Miley/Hannah debacle just ticks me off because they make like she’s this virginal, chastity flag-waving, wholesome Mickey Mouse Clubber when all the evidence points to the fact that she’s a straight up horny teen who wants to do the no-pants dance in a very public forum. Sound like anyone else you’ve ever heard of? ::Cough:: ::Cough:: ::Britney:: ::Cough::. Keep tongue kissing Madonna – you got us ALL snowed you blonde, batshiat crazy sucubus! And we all know how well SHE turned out. For the love of Walt and all things holy and Disney, Billy Ray – put that girl in a nice poofy sweater and ratchet it down about 40 or 50 notches, K? Give her some Barbies and let her watch The Little Mermaid already! Whoring her naked ass all over the internet and wherever is the intellectual property of Joe and Jessica Simpson and their lawyer is on line 2 – cease and desist ya trademark infringing hillbilly!
UPDATE: Holy Shnikeys! I never meant to be relevant or newsworthy! Turns out, the old codger Hugh Hefner commented last night at some celebrity-do about putting Ms. Cyrus in Playboy…http://extratv.warnerbros.com/2008/05/heffner.php