Will Someone PLEASE Fix This Kid’s Face?!

Has anyone else out there been bombarded with the online ads featuring the following unfortunate child:

Will someone please fix this kids face already?  I mean I hate to be all problematic and unfeeling and all, but this kid’s face has been ooging me out for months now.  Everywhere I go — Yahoo, Drudge Report, Boston.com — I’m greeted by this kid’s mug.  OKAY — I GET IT — there’s kids out there that need help, and we need to be more caring, and we need to give of our plenty to remedy their lack — but I’ve given, and I gave again at the office, yet this kid is still staring at me as I try to check ball scores.  Just sew the kid’s face up already.  See, I can’t do it — I’m here, and I don’t know how to fix the kid even if I were there . . . but you, the person posting this picture, you had the kid in your clutches at one point, and I’m hoping to the great Is above that right after you took the kid’s picture you had the common sense to take the kid to a doctor to fix that hole in his head.  How’s the poor kid eating soup?

So, again, I don’t want to be unfeeling or anything — best wishes to the kid, and I’ll contribute again next paycheck, and Kumbaya, and just say no, and all the other PC cliches and catch-phrases — but let me just conclude with another plea:  WILL SOMEONE PLEASE FIX THIS KID’S FACE?!

My One Subway Critique

Mookie here; not dead, just way too busy — what with work, and vacation, and work, and so on and so forth. Don’t have much time, and I certainly do not want to detract from the hilarious musings spewing forth from my Hetero Life Partner Skippy, but I did want to chime in with a brief crumb that has wedged its way between my back molars . . . and it is all related to our favor-ite good-food-served-quickly restaurant, Subway!

Okay, so what is it with the Subway Sandwich Technicians that they cannot, for the life of them, cut a foot long sandwich in half ALL THE WAY THROUGH?!

I only have my own experiences to go by, but in the Umpty-Thousand times I have gone to Ye Olde Subway and ordered my Footlong Sandwich Du Jour, when I have settled in, unwrapped, and gone to begin upon a half, the sandwich has NEVER (and I repeat NEV-ER) been cut all the way through — there is always a little piece of the bread on the bottom, by the “hinge” (that’s Mookie-Speak for the portion of the sub-bun attaching the top and bottom halves), that is still attached . . . let’s call it the “Lepticus”. The result of a Lepticus is that, to one extent or another, the Sub Eater (that’s me) has a difficult time separating the two halfs of the Sub resulting, in the mildest Lepticus instance, in a slight delay to your Sub enjoyment as you rip the Lepticus, to, in the most severe Lepticus instance, a wholesale dismantling of the sandwich as you try and rip through a particularly tenacious Lepticus which tears the Sub not at the Lepticus but half-way down one side or another of the Sub thereby spilling the delicious goodness inside and turning your sublime Sub into nothing better than an oblong open-faced sandwich.

This just will not do.

So, perhaps this is just me (if it has happened to others, please leave a comment and let me know — perhaps I will start a petition), but to the good gods of Subway, to the Subway Sandwich Technicians and SST Trainers, to the officers, directors and shareholders of Doctors Associates, Inc., and its network of franchisees worldwide — PLEASE, slice true, and slice well, and rid the world of the nefarious Lepticus! We, the Sub Eaters of the world, thank you.

These are the problems I face on a daily basis; in thy mercy; Amen.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

A Cageboy First

We have a lot of fun here at Ye Old Cageboy.com.  We’ve shared a lot of goofy stuff and tried to drop a few bits of knowledge along the way as we will continue to do!  But here’s a Cageboy first – a prediction – a premonition, if you will.  I haven’t exactly lit up on fire with Olympic fever just yet – but I have noticed that every time I hear “Olympics” this time around I’m hearing stories about the Chinese government clamping down on something or the bad pollution or China sweeping something or other under the rug while guests are in.  All kinds of controversy and bad Chinese mojo – which, if you’ve sampled it before, is the worst kind of mojo you can get.  Anyway – call it a vibe – a feeling.  We don’t know what exactly – but our Cageboy Defcon radar is twitching.  It’s all red and angry.  Cageboy #1 has a sinking feeling that something bad is gonna happen in China.  Who knows, maybe Lopez Lomong - the U.S. flag bearer for the opening ceremony’s Parade of Nations – will get hold of a bad spring roll and barf all over one of the athletes from the Albanian team.  Sure, it’s an international faux pas – and pretty embarrassing to boot all over another athlete in front of millions of people – Albanian or otherwise.  But really, on the grand scale – not that big of a deal.  Our Cageboy hackles wouldn’t  be so irritated and itchy for something small like that.  Let’s just be careful out there!

The King of the Slip-N-Slide

Thank you Elvis Slip-N-Slide guy!  This is EXACTLY the type of random weirdness we highly encourage around Cageboy World Headquarters.

More of the Good Stuff

It’s been awhile since we shared a tasty treat with you here on Cageboy.com.  I have a good one for you today.  Having almost completely shaken the Diet Coke monkey from my back – I’m still left with a powerful thirst as a toil away each day.  And then I discovered Arizona Iced Tea Arnold Palmer Lite.  Half lemonade and half iced tea.  This is some goooood stuff.  Plus, it comes in these enormous “Alice In Wonderland” size cans or handy 1 gallon jugs.  I’ve also seen a green tea variety – but there’s really no need to mess with the original formula.  The can is adorned with all sorts of highlights from the career of golf legend Arnold Palmer who apparently “invented” the drink.  Arnold is making some sweet coin for pretty much getting his chocolate in my peanut butter by mistake.  But I can’t begrudge the guy – this is some tasty bev.  You wouldn’t think there’d be much rocket science to mixing equal parts lemonade and tea – but on a recent road trip, the highway Quick-E-Mart I stopped at didn’t stock the real-deal Arizona version and so I opted for some lesser concoction that was put out by a local dairy.  It had the same name on the label as the chocolate milk I bought for my kids.  Never trust a dairy to deal in anything other than milk and cheese.  It was hard to describe,.  It was almost if the tea part was too thick.  It left a disgusting brown residue on the walls of the container as I poured it into my glass.  Ooooooooggggyyyyy.

We don’t hand out product endorsements to just anyone here at Cageboy.com.  The items and services we mention are products and purveyors we actually use or experience.  So, let’s review

Arizona Iced Tea Arnold Palmer Lite is tasty and refreshing.
Continental Airline sucks.
Subway sandwiches rule.
Jaws is the greatest movie ever made.
Ruby Tuesday is a step up from fast-food but still sucky.
Patton Oswalt is the funniest guy on the planet.
Mighty Putty is a miracle fix-all – the greatest home repair tool since duct tape.
George Carlin will be missed.
Jimmy Buffett is a whore.
Lee Greenwood sucks.
Camaros are cool.
Netflix makes you watch bad movies.
The Elvis pinball machine rules!
and something terrible has happened to Donna Summer.

There, you’re all caught up with the Cageboy Universe of opinions.  I encourage you to stroll back through the blog and read what you may have missed – but that’s the upshot of the whole thing thus far.  You’re welcome!